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11/24/96 ".....cough....." i smoke too much.. this is a problem, especially since in theory, i quit 4 months ago. last summer i went through this weird period where i was going to the gym kinda regularly, i cut off all of my hair and quit smoking. it was hellish, well the cigarette part was. it takes less than 5 minutes to buzz off years worth of hair. quitting smoking has proven to be somewhat tougher. i don't know why i started smoking, i do remember my first cigarette though, it was a kool. i bought them from the cigarette machine at the grand union in the middle of town. i think that they were 75 cents a pack. my first cigarette was like my first cup of coffee, the first time i shaved, and my first glass of bourbon. i viewed these as steps towards adulthood and my finally being able to leave my parents' house. when i was in third grade i began to figure out how many years it would be until i would be old enough to leave. it seemed like an eternity. in all of the years that i have been smoking this was only the second time that i've tried to quit. the first time was about 3 or 4 years ago. i had a fit of bronchitis that was so bad, i broke my ribs coughing. so like a repentant drunk the morning after, i swore off cigarettes and joined a smoke ending support group. a party was scheduled to celebrate our 30 days off of cigarettes. my house was suggested as the party location. needless to say i was the only one smoking at the party, i had to step outside of my own apartment to smoke. it was a disgrace.... this time around i decided to try nicorette, with it's new over the counter status it seemed all of the hardcore smokers that i knew were using it with some degree of success. after working all night to meet a deadline and chain smoking through it to stay awake, my asthma started kicking up and i decided it was time to quit. quitting smoking made me insane, i couldn't do anything, i just wanted to sleep 24 hours a day, my will to live was sucked right out of me. for two weeks i got sicker than i have ever been in my life, and this was with the aid of nicorette! anyway i stayed off of cigarettes for about 3 months and became addicted to nicorette instead. one day i couldn't take it anymore, i couldn't stop thinking about the clove cigarettes that i used to smoke in my youth, these weren't real cigarettes, surely i could smoke one of these! i went down to the corner store and bought a pack. as i lit that first djarum i felt like a little kid hiding my smoking from my parents again, what if someone i knew saw me. everyone i knew had heard me go on ad nauseam about my quitting.... the problem with addiction is that it gets under your skin, it becomes a part of you. if you sit around and play russian roulette every night, eventually you will find which chamber holds the bullet, only then it's too late... my problem now is that i smoke too much... and i can't stop...
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