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1/25/97 ".....god....." i've been thinking about writing this one for quite some time. god and spirituality are really difficult topics for us to discuss in our culture. try to read this with an open mind, if you can. i was brought up in one of those fundamentalist, hellfire and brimstone christian churches. i'm afraid that is what too many of us think of when we hear the word god. three years ago i had an experience which led me to seek out some sort of higher power in my life. i have studied taoism, buddism and christianity since then. by no means do i consider myself an authority on any of this stuff, but i now feel that there is something greater than us in this world. am i a wack-a-doo? ummm.... i don't believe so. you of course, are free to think otherwise. i have come to believe that we all have a true path and should we decide to open ourselves to this path amazing things can happen to us. i have found that it doesn't take years of study and meditation to start on your path, all that seems to be needed is willingness, any discipline can bring you to this path if you approach it with honesty, openness, and faith. i had a very dear friend who once said "spirituality is what happens between people when they truly care for each other" she also told me that "god is a force that dwells within each and every one of us". i like that. i have seen the evidence of this greater force working in my life. my life today is truly amazing, i'm not saying this to brag. what i'm trying to say is that i am amazed by my life. i spent so many years of my life as a victim, feeling the world "owed" me something, since i started this journey that has all passed away. it's really hard for me to explain, but i'll try; not that many years ago i was living in harlem, broke, bitter, and alienated. i didn't feel like i belonged in this world and believed that my life was damaged beyond repair. i was incapable of loving or caring for myself, let alone another human being. i figured i was just passing time until i died, or until i worked up the courage to kill myself. through no doing of my own other than having a small amount of willingness, and faith, my life has become better than i had ever hoped it would be. I never "planned" to become a web designer, i never "planned" to have my own business doing something i love. i never "planned" to meet laura through my website, i never "planned" to find love. my plan was to become a rock star, i did everything i could to make this happen, that was not my path but i tried to make it mine through sheer force of will. i was always looking at the goal and ignoring the journey. i wasted quite a few years of my life that way. all i cared about was becoming famous, i believed that fame was going to "save" me. it was a lonely and miserable exsistance. it wasn't until i was totally beaten down, that i became willing to accept the other possibilities that life might offer me. it never occured to me that those other possibilities would give me a life that was far more exciting and fulfilling than anything i could have possibly planned for myself. as i become older, i find more and more of my friends and aquaintences seeking out some form of spirituality in their lives. someone once told me that religion was for those who were afraid of hell, while spirituality was for those of us who had already been there. i like that..........
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